Friday 6 March 2009

Advice for Novice Doms

I've been wandering around the net recently, looking at a few discussions and noticed there are quite a few people out there who are curious about being Dominant but don't know how to DO IT.

I've even seen threads from guys saying - Help! I've got a sub coming round to my place in ten minutes, what do I do? Give me some ideas about what to do with him!

I found it all quite puzzling. If you're Dominant then you have Dominant desires, ideas and fantasies, surely? If you haven't got a clue what you're going to do with a sub, won't you just be going through the motions?

Well, maybe, but maybe that's not an entirely terrible state to be in. A guy may be curious but inexperienced, and frankly terrified by the vast range of possibilities available to him. There is a certain amount of pressure on you as a Dom, and to a newbie this can be overwhelming.

Now in the Good Old Days of the Old Guard Leathermen (which never actually existed, but bear with me) there was no such thing as a novice Top. You started life as a sub or slave, taken on by a Master who would train you in all the ways and mysteries of BDSM. In the fullness of time, like an apprentice, you would acquire knowledge, experience and wisdom of your own, and evolve into a Master yourself, like a big butch leather butterfly emerging from a coccoon of chains, rope and shackles.

Let's not spoil it by asking awkward questions like - Well, who trained the FIRST ever Master, then? That would just be disrespectful.

So, yes, it's true. We all have to start somewhere. Every seasoned veteran Dom who exudes an air of mystique started life as a bumbling amateur, frozen with indecision when confronted by his first sub. Especially if that sub exuded an air of being very experienced.

Now there are still guys who will tell you that starting off as a sub is the best way to gain experience, and there is certainly plenty of logic in that assertion. Many good Doms have learned their craft that way. However, that is not the whole truth. You CAN become a good Dom without having to sub first, which is good news for people with no submissive tendencies!

OK, so you know you're Dominant and you've got your very first ever sub coming round expecting you to rock his world. And you're like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an articulated lorry on the M4 bearing down on you at 90mph. Paralysed.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!

One: Relax.

Everything is going to be fine as long as you follow a few simple rules. Even if it doesn't go to plan, it's not the end of the world. Some scenes fail for no fault of either party; some people just don't click. In most cases, though, you can make it an enjoyable experience for both of you.

Two: Communicate.

Ideally, talk to the guy well in advance and find out as much as you can about him. These are the things you need to know:

{a} Does he have any health problems you need to know about?

This could be anything that might cause problems during a scene, especially if he is going to be tied up. Asthma, epilepsy, heart trouble... the list is endless, but don't be disheartened. He probably won't be up for kinky fun if he's in a really bad way, and he will know how any conditions he has affect him. It will be his responsibility to tell you what you need to know. It is best to get it out in the open and know what you need to know in advance, then proceed with appropriate caution.

{b} What is he into?

This is pretty basic. In fact, the only reason it's {b} not {a} is because {a} is potentially life or death. The more you know about what the sub likes and doesn't like, the better you can play the scene.

Generally, you need to know which things he likes that co-incide with the things that you like. A little more specifically:

{c} Is he a "play" sub or a "service" sub?

Meaning: Does he JUST get off on kinky sex, or is he into service-oriented submission? The former will just want you to do stuff to him, the latter will happily scrub your toilet. If he's a play sub and you hand him a bottle of Domestos he'll start thinking - Bleach fetish? I'm not ready for this, it's too advanced! If he's a service sub and you ignore his desire to please you by doing some housework you'll be passing up a golden opportunity.

Let me run it by you again. He wants to do some housework for you. What's not good about that??? You get your rocks off AND you get a sparkling khazi!

{d} Is he into humiliation?

If he is then you can push these buttons by making him say embarrassing things out loud (like "I'm a cheap cock-hungry whore, Sir." when you say "What are you?"). You can tell him to get on all fours in front of your chair and use him as a foot-rest.

If he's NOT into humiliation, this will be like cold water on the flames of his desire, so get it right!

{e} Is he into pain play?

Not all subs are masochists. Some enjoy a good spanking/beating, etc. because it gets the endorphins running. Others won't enjoy the pain itself, but they may derive satisfaction from the humiliation aspect of it, or simply from enduring it in order to please you. You don't need to know the in-depth psychological nitty-gritty of why they like it; a simple YES or NO will do for starters.

{f} What are his limits?

It is very important that you establish what he is definitely NOT into well in advance, and remember it, and stay away from it.

Subs have soft limits and hard limits; soft limits are the ones that can be pushed or 'expanded', but NOT on a first date. Maybe after a few sessions, when you have built trust.

Hard limits are the ultimate No-No; you don't EVER go there. He is a human being and you must respect that.

Three: Be prepared.

OK, now you are armed with knowledge, make sure you are ready for him.

{a} Know a bit of First Aid.

I'm not trying to scare you; it's very unlikely you'll end up giving the guy the kiss of life. But a little bit of basic knowledge is good to have (and not just as a kinkster, obviously!)

You don't need a medical degree, just be aware of a few facts before you start. Have a read through 'First Aid for SMers' on the SM Gays website.

(There is also a good rope-specific First Aid section on MENinROPE)

As soon as you tie up another human being you are taking on responsibility for his safety. If you are not prepared to do what it takes to earn that responsibility, throw your rope in the bin.

{b} Be clear-headed.

Back to that responsibility thing again. Are you feeling OK yourself? If you're feeling a bit groggy because you went out clubbing the night before and then went straight to work with only 20 minutes sleep on the bus, you're in no state to let someone place their safety in your hands.

A bit of Dutch courage might help you relax, but too much alcohol will obviously impair your judgement, your alertness and your reactions. Not good. Stay sober.

Like a bit of the old recreational drug use? Now is absolutely most definitely NOT the time for it. BDSM is NOT "chem-friendly". Choose one or the other, you cannot have both. Be a man, not a kid.

{c} Establish a safeword.

This is generally a good idea. The classic one is the traffic light system, "Amber." (It's getting a bit much, ease off a little) and "Red." (I'm not coping, stop NOW!)

Not everyone uses safewords, and in many cases you will probably find that the sub never feels the need to use it, but it's better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it. And it's a better way to interupt the scene without having to terminate the whole thing.

Never forget that you have taken on a duty to PROTECT this person.

{d} Be equipped.

In terms of safety, you need to be able to release a sub from bondage quickly if needed. Have a pair of scissors within reasonable distance so you can cut through rope, tape, etc. if you have to. Ideally, you can get safety scissors / EMT sheers (the kind paramedics use to cut clothes off people without stabbing them) or a safety knife (similar principle, used to cut through stuck seat belts but also works well on rope).

{e} Provide a tidy, clean space.

It's going to be difficult for the sub to feel at ease if your place is a tip, so do your best to make it look good. The impression you should be aiming for is efficient. Make sure the space is not too hot or cold. Have a clean, comfortable bathroom for him to use before and after the session. Don't run out of soap, towels or toilet paper!

Four: Enjoy yourself.

Once you have got all the bases covered you can relax and enjoy the scene. Being prepared, physically and mentally, will definitely make you feel more confident, and therefore more at ease.

When he arrives ask him if he needs a drink. Give him a few minutes to settle so he can suss you out a bit, and go to the toilet if he needs to before you start. Some guys like a scenario where the sub arrives and goes straight into role, but I think it is best to ease into it to give both of you time to adjust mentally. If he is a very experienced sub and has decided he has got a good idea of what kind of guy you are before actually meeting you, that's fine. But if you feel that YOU need that bit of time to suss HIM out, don't be afraid of coming out of role - it's a small price to pay for your peace of mind, and will make things go smoother.

Play out your fantasies. If it is the first time then take it slow and watch the sub's reactions. His body language will tell you if he is enjoying the session (but remember that if he doesn't have an erection that doesn't necessarily mean he's not turned on, desire expresses itself in different ways).

Keep an eye on the time. If the fun goes on for a long time be mindful of safety issues - stress positions, rope restriction, dehydration, heat and cold, the condom getting worn out, things like that.

Five: Aftercare

At the end, give him time and space to 'come down'. Let him relax and gradually adjust back to reality. Be warm, friendly, affectionate. Have a little de-brief. Was it good for him? Get him a drink of water, or coffee.

It's not really hard to make a good first impression. The next time you'll find it easier, and soon you'll be a seasoned pro. You'll always be learning new stuff, but you won't feel like an apprentice, and you can toss away your L-plates.



RopeTop.com

1 comment:

  1. That was excellent. Wish I'd had that text to read back before I tied my first bloke. But then again, I had taken first-aid courses, not knowing they might have… erm… other uses.

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