What exactly is a lifestyle? Some of us talk about “lifestyle D/s” as in a “serious” approach to Domination/submission, but are we all talking about the same thing? No, of course not. That would be far too easy! Although it is a term that gets bandied about a lot by kinkfolk, the actual meaning is arbitrary, as difficult to define as trying to catch a slippery eel, liberally coated with Liquid Silk lubricant, sliding across a silicone-sprayed rubber sheet. With sweaty hands.
So what does a lifestyle Master/slave relationship look like? When people say they are “24/7 M/s” do they wear leather and rubber all the time, at home, at work, while popping down to Waitrose to buy a pound of carrots? Probably not. I don’t ever recall seeing any full-on leathermen estate agents, bank managers or psychotherapists. Nor any rubber one-piece clad male secretaries. Of course, if you’re a motorcycle courier or a diving instructor you can probably get away with it. And if you work in a pervy shop like Expectations then your life is inescapably full-time kink whether you like it or not. Your bedroom slippers are probably made of PVC with an embossed Tom of Finland motif…
But of course it’s not really about what you wear, though some slaves do wear padlocked neck chains or discreet collars in their daily lives. D/s is an attitude or approach rather than a fashion statement. And most slaves do not live with their Masters. The question is to what degree does the individual compromise this in response to the necessities of life in the real world? Once the scene has ended and the toys are put away mundane life must be faced once more. It is possible to keep the spirit going, though. A sub or slave who maintains an attitude or respect and demonstrates this in subtle ways, or a Top who remains mindful of his responsibilities towards his sub outside of the BDSM arena are both holding onto their roles and their commitment to each other as a general rule in their lives.
Some people, of course, are happy to compartmentalise their kink. For them BDSM is just for fun – the roles and the play are roleplay, mutually inclusive. When the play is over, so are the roles, and they go back to being equals. I upset some of the good people on informedconsent.co.uk by referring to such folk as “casual roleplayers” to distinguish them from the more dedicated D/s types, and this is where the eel gets slippery…
The problem is that there are those who like to use the terms “Master” and “slave” in their roleplay even though these roles are only temporary ones for them. This gets confusing for those who distinguish between ‘subs’ as being those who enjoy play as just play, and ‘slaves’ as those who like to give service that goes beyond fantasy. The problem with making this distinction is the fact that anything which typifies a serious, committed D/s relationship can be fetishised by more casual players as part of their fantasy, so ‘Master’ and ‘slave’ become just another set of archetypes to step into, on a par with strict headmaster and unruly student, Kommandant and POW, etc. Shlip!
Equally, referring to the non-committed as roleplayers can also be misleading, as roleplay can also be enjoyed by ‘REAL’ Masters and slaves. Shlop!
Then to muddy the waters even more there are folk like me who use the word ‘sub’ to describe someone who, under another, more ‘Old Guard’ Dom, would be called a slave…
It shouldn’t matter, should it? No one flavour of BDSM is superior to any other, just different. This is true but we are only human and humans do like labels. The problem isn’t other people being different, but knowing when they are different. Or not. An ownership-type Master seeking human property to have and to hold is mightily miffed when his boy-to-be’s obedience dries up quicker than the spent seed on his abdominals. Likewise, a Saturday-afternoon slave doesn’t want to find himself still languishing in some bloke’s cage come Monday morning.
But these examples only compare the two extremes. To call BDSM a spectrum doesn’t do justice to its complexity. A spectrum, no matter how many colours it contains, is only two dimensional. Kink’s many contradictions make it impossible to fit into a simple, convenient framework.
None of this helps when it comes to establishing an identity for yourself, or communicating to potential partners what type of lifestyle you are interested in following. I could come up with a convenient standard of pigeon-holing, like asking someone “Are you just interested in play for a bit of sexy fun, or are you looking for someone to serve on a more committed basis?” but that would still not be foolproof. You could be inexperienced and not yet know what you want. You could be one or the other but subject to change, depending on the other person, the way your life is currently going, any number of variables.
It seems there are no shortcuts. You do have to talk, in sufficient depth, to your prospective playmate, get to know him and what he wants, find out how your fantasies and desires fit in with his, and how they can fit into your lives. Then you can build your lifestyle around what works. Keep communicating to keep it fresh and the path to perfect kinkdom should be relatively smooth, though it will always be a little slippery …
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