But let me backtrack a bit. This has made me think about a lot of things.
Back in March I went to JustRope. For those of you unfamiliar with JR, it is a rope bondage event held in a great private club with excellent facilities. It's very popular and well attended by riggers and bunnies, beginners right through to advanced, and is not just a great play event but also a great social.
And it's not a gay thing. It's organised by, and mainly attended by the 'mainstream' BDSM community, whom I hesitate to refer to as 'straight kinksters' as that would be an inaccurate description (and anyway “straight & kinky” sounds like an oxymoron). Nevertheless, there is a difference – and a bit of a gulf - between 'them' and 'us'.
At one end of the spectrum you have hetero BDSM folk and at the other end BDSM gay men. Inbetween, of course, there are bisexuals/bi-curious/'heteroflexible' people, mostly women, and they – not surprisingly! – fit in just fine among the kinky straight guys. Some full-on lesbians also mingle in these circles, though not so many. Full-on gay men are even more rare.
Which is a shame, if for no other reason than the fact that us gay guys don't really have our version of the larger BDSM community, not to the same extent. One straight kinky guy asked me recently about “the gay SM scene” and I had to say – Well, we don't really have one. What we have is the leather scene, which isn't quite the same thing. The leather scene, at its heart, is kinky as feck, but in practice it is so widely-encompassing of gay male sexuality as to be dilute, attracting legions of vanilla guys who think leather looks horny.
Leathermen have always been the traditional gatekeepers of gay male SM and we owe them a lot for establishing the foundations. Unfortunately, however, a gay man in full leather is not always what you might hope him to be. The leather scene is, to some extent, a victim of its own popularity.
The spirit of the Old Guard does live on, though, and always will, even though leathermen have evolved somewhat, being less rigidly stereotypical than in the Good Old Days. And of course there are many BDSM gay men who are not leather. I'm not, not really. I like to wear a bit when I feel a sense of occasion, but I'm really just dipping my toe in the water. And I doubt I'll ever own a motorbike!
We have gay BDSM organisations and institutions that are very well-established and popular, which overlap nicely with kinky leather guys, but they are few and far between, particularly in the UK. We don't have the massive community involvement that exists on the mainstream BDSM scene with all its club nights, workshops, munches...
Obviously a big reason for this is that – hello! - we are a minority. There are a lot fewer of US than there are of THEM. It may not seem that way if you live in a big city with tons of gay men crawling out of the woodwork as soon as the sun goes down, but it's true. And kink is another minority, so kinky gay men are a tiny fraction of humanity. Which sounds a bit depressing but don't worry, there are still millions of us! (Phew!)
But why the big gulf between gay men and everyone else when it comes to kink? We can't blame it all on homophobia/heterosexism (now there's a word I haven't used for about a decade!)... your average kinky heterosexual is, hardly surprisingly, more open-minded regarding sexuality than Mr & Mrs Cosy Vanilla Respectability.
There is also the factor of traditional gay male reticence around straight men. Yes, I'm generalising, but it's there. Out and proud as many of us are, most of us remember what it was like growing up scared, and if there was queer bashing to be done it would usually be the straight boys who were up for it... But before I burst into a rendition of Small Town Boy I must say that the world does feel a lot different today than it did in 1984! Nevertheless, some things linger, and at the back of my mind there's always the notion that hetties don't want to hear the nitty gritty of my private life.
After coming out at the tender age of seventeen I made lots of new gay friends and over the years they became practically my only friends. Obviously I was meeting hetties at work and got on fine with most of them without having to hide my sexuality, but I never had a close friendship with a straight guy. These barriers are all in our heads but that doesn't make them any less real.
What I did have during my late teens/early twenties was lots of lesbian friends. This was due to my community work and the fact that, of the two gay clubs in Birmingham at the time, one had a misogynist door policy so I boycotted the place. And I certainly felt more comfortable with dykes than I did with the straight boys. I felt I had more in common with them. Also, I had been to a few gay pubs where there were no women at all, and it felt weird. I didn't want to be part of an all-male space, it felt elitist and insecure.
By my thirties, though, I was leaving the lesbians behind too. I had less time for the lesbian and gay community and focussed more on my bondage interests, which inevitably meant meeting more and more gay men. Diversity was the first victim of my kinky nature.
Sometimes opening one door will close others.
I was also getting more involved in martial arts, and discovering, albeit late, that male bonding (of the totally non-euphemistic kind!) was something I could do and did enjoy. Also, I started working in security and spending long hours with straight, mostly male, colleagues. If you've ever worked in security you'll know it consists of huge chunks of time sitting on your arse talking bollocks to the bloke you're working with. I felt myself drifting a little, less interested in the mainstream/vanilla gay community.
Early last year one of my funbuddies/play subs invited me to go to Hard On with him. I went along, having read the publicity about it being a mixed BDSM club and curious to see the kinky lesbians, straights and whatever else. I thought – Wow, this is me checking out the REAL kink scene, moving out of my comfort zone, touching base, keeping it real, getting radical and adventurous...
Well, it was nice but it wasn't what I was expecting. 99% gay men, all in fetish gear but only interested in one thing: vanilla sex (unless you include fisting as a kink). It was great fun, but not what I was hoping it would be.
A little later I was contacted on Recon by DogTrainer1974 who was organising his Men Only Rope Event (MORE). It was a very successful day, held in a great venue... a venue I was later to discover was also used for JustRope, Peer Rope and a very popular 'straight' kinky club night.
Which brings me back, eventually, to March's JustRope. I went along with my trusty bunny expecting to meet DT and some other gay mates there but they all had to cancel. We faced the rather nerve-wracking prospect of being the only gay men at the event, surrounded by people who were nice enough, but mostly strangers. No great disaster, but it made me feel a bit awkward. I need not have worried, though, because a very extrovert guy going by the name of Michael Cane took it upon himself to introduce himself to everyone and make us all feel more relaxed.
Surrender was Michael's idea.
What is Surrender?
“Surrender is a members club and runs the club night specifically for BDSM for gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, transsexuals, transvestites and any other variations on these themes. All are welcome. There is a lack of proper BDSM playing facilities and events specifically for those who don't want to feel judged or out of place in your typical BDSM club.”
This from a straight guy!!!
I liked the idea and got involved, not exactly sure how it would work having all those different types of people together, but wanting it to work nevertheless. Other people shared my concerns, many doubting that it would be a viable mix. But I thought - If it did succeed... wouldn't that be great?
With the help of a feisty young dyke we started putting the word out. I organised a bit of advertising. My concerns lingered until the last few days leading up to the launch, when indications start to come in that, actually, this might turn out to be more successful than we had been hoping.
Then last Friday the night finally arrived … and so did a steady trickle of revellers. We went from apprehension to contentment once a comfortable number had gathered and started mingling and buzzing. Contentment soon became joy when people just kept on arriving.
In no time the night was in full swing and we had a huge varied mix of people. It was just what we had wanted: gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, transfolk and straights all having fun together. With so many colourful characters and so many different activities going on it was a spectacular evening.
Our baby had been born and it came out kicking!
Surrender is now a monthly event, the penultimate Friday of every month. Kinksters of all sexualities are welcome. I really don't think there is anything quite like it going on at the moment, certainly not in the UK. It feels so good to be with a diverse mix of people who all have an interest in BDSM in common. I feel that lots of barriers were broken down that night, and new friendships made.
It has also given me a renewed enthusiasm for my own BDSM identity. Being kinky isn't always easy and sometimes you have doubts, but I can see a whole lot of possibilities now.
Watch this space, folks...
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