What Domination is NOT

Being submissive can be scary, daunting and confusing. Especially when you don't have much experience. The behaviour of people calling themselves Dominant can be quite perplexing.

Sometimes a sub will contact a Dom person, on-line or in real life, and that person will behave in ways that are different to vanilla folk. And so they should. If subs wanted guys who act in familiar ways they would stick with vanilla men.

The problem is this: What is the difference between Dominant behaviour and plain, old fashioned bad behaviour? If you're a subby and some Dominant guy sends you a message on-line that says “Tell me what are you into, scum!” is that the way he is supposed to talk? And are you supposed to accept that?

I can only give you MY answer – there is no single authority on what is or is not proper BDSM behaviour, we make up our own rules – and my answer is NO, that is not right.

Just because you are submissive that does not mean that ANY Dominant guy has the right to dominate you even if they do not know you. If I choose to speak harshly to one of my subs, that would be a right that I have by virtue of the fact that he has given me that power, by prior agreement, as part of the negotiation process by which he became my sub.

If I meet a new sub guy for the first time and start telling him what to do, belittling him, insulting him, that is NOT me demonstrating my innate superiority. That is me acting like an arsehole.

So what if a relationship has been established? Suppose you are sub and you have met a Dom you feel you have something in common with, and you start seeing each other. What is an acceptable way for him to behave?

Can he treat you in a way that no-one else is allowed to? Yes.

Does that mean he can do anything he likes to you? No.

Is he allowed to lie to you? For example, if you find out that he has a partner/wife when he told you he was single. Does he have the right to be dishonest?

No.

Does he have the right to break promises? To arrange a meeting and then not show up without any explanation? Are you supposed to accept that as normal behaviour for a Master/Dominant?

No.

Suppose he begins a relationship with you and then drops off the face of the earth – doesn't contact you, ignores your messages, ignores your existence – Is that a test? Is he testing your submissiveness or commitment by seeing if you will keep the faith even while he treats you like crap?

No. He's just being a cock.

Hold on, you say, maybe it's like the story of Abraham. God tells him to sacrifice his only son to prove how strong his faith is. Abraham says “Yes, sure, no problem, c'mere sonny, God told me to slit your throat so be a good boy and hop up onto this pile of wood while I sharpen this here knife.” and the angel steps in and stops him right at the last second. Maybe this wonderfully mysterious Dom guy is testing me to see how much crap I'll take? Then, when he sees how committed I am, he will reward me for it by acknowledging my worth to him and treating me as his valued servant?

No. He's just neglecting you and doesn't have the common decency to let you know that he's lost interest. All that stuff about putting you to the test is a load of bullshit. If I had been Abraham I would have told God to shove it. “You want me to do what? Uh, no thanks. No deal. You can take your new religion, your twelve tribes and multitudes of descendants and ram it all up your omnipotent backside. Come on, Isaac, we're going home.”

Calling yourself Dominant does not give you an excuse to treat someone like dirt. OK, the sub might get off on arrogant, selfish Tops, but that arrogance and selfishness ONLY applies to the BDSM aspect of the relationship. The sub is still a person, a human being, and essentially the two of you are actually equals. Yes, really. You think you REALLY control him? Watch him tell you to fuck off, and then walk away from you.

Hurting someone by spanking him is one thing. Hurting him by receiving his devotion to you and then dumping him by text message is something entirely different.

My version of Domination and control is not the only kind, of course. Some subs like to be treated only with disdain. There are guys who want to be told they are worthless scum, and it makes them hot. There are guys who want to be “cash slaves”, or have a fetish for being blackmailed. It's not my place to tell them “Your kink is not OK.” but I reserve the right to have my own opinions about the type of guys who are happy to take advantage of them.

Some guys like a bit of psychological domination, or “mindfuck”, in fact good, deep Dom/sub has a healthy dose of this. Manipulation can powerfully reinforce the roles and make the whole thing more authentic. BUT! It has to be within a fundamentally consensual, respectful framework.

A BDSM relationship – if you want it to be more than just a bit of kinky sex now and then – is just like any other relationship. You have to have mutual respect. You have to have good communication. You have to be on the same wavelength.

Domination is NOT an excuse for being arrogant, rude, selfish or deceitful. It is NOT a shield to hide your insecurities behind. It is NOT exploiting someone's inexperience or vulnerability for your own gratification. It is NOT a way to avoid apologising when you make mistakes.

Submission is not about throwing away your self-respect. Being shat on from a great height is NOT the fair price you pay for the honour of being a slave. If someone is acting like an idiot, or a coward, or an arsehole, I'm sorry but it probably means that he is.

A Dom should be interested in you. He should care about you. Unless you are really dense, you should be able to sense if that is the case or not. If your instincts tell you that something is wrong, you need to talk about it. If he isn't prepared to talk, he isn't worth talking to. Or anything else.

Choose your Dom carefully. You want someone to look up to, to serve, to deserve. First of all, make sure he deserves YOU.

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