Get Real

What exactly is a lifestyle? Some of us talk about “lifestyle D/s” as in a “serious” approach to Domination/submission, but are we all talking about the same thing? No, of course not. That would be far too easy! Although it is a term that gets bandied about a lot by kinkfolk, the actual meaning is arbitrary, as difficult to define as trying to catch a slippery eel, liberally coated with Liquid Silk lubricant, sliding across a silicone-sprayed rubber sheet. With sweaty hands.

So what does a lifestyle Master/slave relationship look like? When people say they are “24/7 M/s” do they wear leather and rubber all the time, at home, at work, while popping down to Waitrose to buy a pound of carrots? Probably not. I don’t ever recall seeing any full-on leathermen estate agents, bank managers or psychotherapists. Nor any rubber one-piece clad male secretaries. Of course, if you’re a motorcycle courier or a diving instructor you can probably get away with it. And if you work in a pervy shop like Expectations then your life is inescapably full-time kink whether you like it or not. Your bedroom slippers are probably made of PVC with an embossed Tom of Finland motif…

But of course it’s not really about what you wear, though some slaves do wear padlocked neck chains or discreet collars in their daily lives. D/s is an attitude or approach rather than a fashion statement. And most slaves do not live with their Masters. The question is to what degree does the individual compromise this in response to the necessities of life in the real world? Once the scene has ended and the toys are put away mundane life must be faced once more. It is possible to keep the spirit going, though. A sub or slave who maintains an attitude or respect and demonstrates this in subtle ways, or a Top who remains mindful of his responsibilities towards his sub outside of the BDSM arena are both holding onto their roles and their commitment to each other as a general rule in their lives.

Some people, of course, are happy to compartmentalise their kink. For them BDSM is just for fun – the roles and the play are roleplay, mutually inclusive. When the play is over, so are the roles, and they go back to being equals. I upset some of the good people on informedconsent.co.uk by referring to such folk as “casual roleplayers” to distinguish them from the more dedicated D/s types, and this is where the eel gets slippery…

The problem is that there are those who like to use the terms “Master” and “slave” in their roleplay even though these roles are only temporary ones for them. This gets confusing for those who distinguish between ‘subs’ as being those who enjoy play as just play, and ‘slaves’ as those who like to give service that goes beyond fantasy. The problem with making this distinction is the fact that anything which typifies a serious, committed D/s relationship can be fetishised by more casual players as part of their fantasy, so ‘Master’ and ‘slave’ become just another set of archetypes to step into, on a par with strict headmaster and unruly student, Kommandant and POW, etc. Shlip!

Equally, referring to the non-committed as roleplayers can also be misleading, as roleplay can also be enjoyed by ‘REAL’ Masters and slaves. Shlop!

Then to muddy the waters even more there are folk like me who use the word ‘sub’ to describe someone who, under another, more ‘Old Guard’ Dom, would be called a slave…

It shouldn’t matter, should it? No one flavour of BDSM is superior to any other, just different. This is true but we are only human and humans do like labels. The problem isn’t other people being different, but knowing when they are different. Or not. An ownership-type Master seeking human property to have and to hold is mightily miffed when his boy-to-be’s obedience dries up quicker than the spent seed on his abdominals. Likewise, a Saturday-afternoon slave doesn’t want to find himself still languishing in some bloke’s cage come Monday morning.

But these examples only compare the two extremes. To call BDSM a spectrum doesn’t do justice to its complexity. A spectrum, no matter how many colours it contains, is only two dimensional. Kink’s many contradictions make it impossible to fit into a simple, convenient framework.

None of this helps when it comes to establishing an identity for yourself, or communicating to potential partners what type of lifestyle you are interested in following. I could come up with a convenient standard of pigeon-holing, like asking someone “Are you just interested in play for a bit of sexy fun, or are you looking for someone to serve on a more committed basis?” but that would still not be foolproof. You could be inexperienced and not yet know what you want. You could be one or the other but subject to change, depending on the other person, the way your life is currently going, any number of variables.

It seems there are no shortcuts. You do have to talk, in sufficient depth, to your prospective playmate, get to know him and what he wants, find out how your fantasies and desires fit in with his, and how they can fit into your lives. Then you can build your lifestyle around what works. Keep communicating to keep it fresh and the path to perfect kinkdom should be relatively smooth, though it will always be a little slippery …

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Update: Rope Bondage Health & Safety

I've put together information from a variety of sources, including my own observations, on everything you need to know to make your rigging safe and fun. Click the diagram above to see more.

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Contract of Dominance

Photo by d9009

Following on from 'My Way' on the 3rd, this is the latest incarnation of my version of the classic slave contract. It outlines the general features of the Top/subordinate relationship, covering the basics without going into specific details. The Top will decide upon any additional rules/commands, so long as they do not breach any of the Ten Articles.

I don't personally intend it to be printed out, signed, witnessed, etc. None of that is necessary. It is just a statement of principles to which both parties agree.


Contract of Dominance
_____________________________


This Contract sets out the responsibilities and duties of the Top and the subordinate.

This Contract is binding for an initial probationary period of three months, at which time it will be reviewed by both parties. Reviews will then take place annually from the date of the initial agreement.

This Contract may be terminated at the discretion of the Top at any time on the grounds of serious disobedience by the subordinate.


Article One:

The First Duty of the Top is to safeguard the wellbeing of his subordinate. He must protect his subordinate from unwarranted harm. This is defined as any harm that has a lasting detrimental effect on the subordinate's physical health, psychological wellbeing, home, work, education, finances or family relationships.

Article Two:

The Second Duty of the Top is to develop the submissive nature of his subordinate through guidance, training and discipline.

Article Three:

The First Duty of the subordinate is to respect, obey and serve his Top.

Article Four:

The Second Duty of the subordinate is to nurture and maintain his own physical and mental wellbeing so that he can serve his Top more effectively.

Article Five:

The subordinate demonstrates his respect for his Top in all of his dealings, through his speech, attitude and actions.

Article Six:

The subordinate demonstrates his obedience to his Top by obeying all commands given to him by his Top. Every instruction given to him by his Top, whether verbal or non-verbal, is a command.

Article Seven:

The subordinate will inform the Top if he believes that obeying an order will, due to circumstances unknown to his Top, result in unwarranted harm.

Article Eight:

Failure to obey a command, without reasonable mitigation, constitutes an incidence of disobedience and will warrant punishment. The form of punishment may be physical or non-physical, and will be decided by the Top. Reasonable mitigation is defined as circumstances beyond the subordinate's control or circumstances which would lead to unwarranted harm.

Article Nine:

The Top may instruct the subordinate to obey and serve other tops. However, borrowing tops may not exceed limits laid down by the subordinate's own Top, and any orders given by a borrowing top which contravene commands given by the subordinate's own Top, or the Articles of this Contract, will not be obeyed.

Article Ten:

The subordinate will present himself as a good example of his Top's authority and will behave in a respectful manner towards other Dominants. He will always remember that his behaviour reflects upon his Top and he will strive to make his Top proud.

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yoda13 at Peer Rope

More pictures of yoda13, as taken by an excellent photographer.

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yoda13 Suspended

On Sunday I suspended yoda13 at Peer Rope London. More pics to follow...

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My Way

I've hesitated for a long time to write the following entry. The main reason for this is a peculiar type of cowardice: I don't want to offend people that I know, like, respect and care about. And I shouldn't have to fear that, but I do.

It's this: I'm very much a BDSM Top. I love the scene and find it endlessly fascinating. I love to dominate guys who are deeply submissive, and I value the power of Dominant/submissive relationships that go beyond kinky play and into committed power exchange.

BUT... I'm not a Master and I don't want to own slaves.

I have friends who are Masters and they are great guys. I am happy to be pigeon-holed with such people, to be a part of their subculture, to have relationships of my own that are essentially the exact same thing that they have.

I just don't like the words.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest what words they use to describe themselves and their relationships. I don't hesitate to use those words/titles to describe them. But I don't want to use the same terminology to describe what I am, what I have and what I want.

Do my personal choices constitute an implicit criticism of someone else's choices? Intellectually, no, of course not. But on a personal level, I feel, it can't help but rub someone up the wrong way. If I was a vegetarian would I feel afraid of telling my carnivore mates in case they were offended? In case they thought – Oh, he thinks he's better than us. His moral choice must make us look morally inferior in his eyes!

Well, no I wouldn't. I was a vegetarian once, for most of my twenties. I never felt worried about my personal choices being offensive to people who had made different choices. So why is this so different?

Maybe because there is more to this issue. The emotional charge is much stronger when we are talking about human rights and wrongs, as compared to the way we treat animals. And that is why I have a problem with the word 'Master' and the word 'slave', because there are TWO concepts of slavery and they are so very different.

I read in the paper today about police rescuing five children who were being kept as sex slaves by paedophiles. We all know that there are massage parlours everywhere – including our home towns and cities - that are really prisons for women forced into prostitution against their will. It wasn't all that long ago in historical terms when Western nations – congratulating themselves for being technologically and morally superior to the 'primitive' societies they trampled on – bought and sold human beings as property, as if they were livestock. A practice fully endorsed by the Good Book (Leviticus 25:44, Gentle Jesus Be Praised!)... Slavery is very real and it is still with us. And it is a horrible, terrible, atrocious, disgusting crime.

BDSM slavery, is, of course, something totally different. Based on mutual consent, it values some of the best instincts of human nature: respect, care, service, nurturing, protection, devotion, exploration, courage, sacrifice...

The irony is that, on the surface, they look so very similar to the outsider, but dig a little deeper and you find that they are like chalk and cheese. And yet the similarity is deliberate; we are using the language of something shameful to describe something of which we should be proud.

Now, this is a subject that has been debated to death on the internet - and, doubtless, long before there was an internet. Words mean what we want them to mean. Context is everything. Reclaiming negative terminology is empowering. Et cetera, et cetera... But that doesn't quite work for me. It feels wrong, if only semantically. It feels like I'm not saying what I mean, not meaning what I say, and I don't like that. There should be a better way.

For many, there is. Master/slave is not the be-all and end-all of Dominance/submission. Some Dominant folk just call themselves Doms/Dommes; some submissives - even when they want more than casual play - are just subs. Then there are puppies, whose partners are called Owners, Handlers, Trainers, Bosses, etc. But for very many the Master/slave model is the standard they aspire to, if only because they feel that they should. And who can blame then when there appears to be no alternative? When our community of kinksters cannot come up with anything better?

I know what some will say - But I do want to be a slave. I do want to be the property of someone else, who will make all my choices and control me, etc. etc. Well, I've got a newsflash for you, sunshine: That ain't slavery. That's you consenting to an alternative lifestyle which, thanks to living in a society that is enlightened enough to give you such freedoms, you do, ironically, have the right to indulge in. It's a million miles from the living death of the teenage Albanian girl who is raped on a daily basis in an English brothel just down the road from you.

I'm not telling anyone that they do not have the right to use the words they want to use in order to describe the things they want to describe. I don't own the English language. I'm not its policeman. I'm just very aware of how glaringly different the two different meanings are. And so, being a creative type, I've come up with my own system.

I don't do Ownership, I do Dominance.

I don't call myself a Master, I am a Top.

I don't want a slave, I want a committed subordinate.

I can see the rolled eyes and hear the snorts of derision. Mealy mouthed, you say. Wishy-washy, PC, pinko-Commie, tree-hugging hippy crap. Well, yeah, maybe, but there is a bit more to this than just an attempt at softening down the associations with something nasty. This isn't slavery-lite. I'm approaching the whole thing from a different angle.

When you study martial arts you begin to learn something about hierarchies. As a novice you put yourself into the capable hands of an experienced teacher. In order to learn from your sensei you have to respect and obey him, and there is a very good reason for that. It's more than just an affectation for exotic traditions. It's not like an evening pottery class. Learning to fight is dangerous, so it is essential that instructions are followed precisely and without question. Awareness of physical safety is paramount. Respect for your instructor and for your fellow students is essential and - if you have the right attitude/spirit - it comes naturally to you. You look up to your instructor and you look after your juniors. It's not a framework that was created for a modern aikido class, of course. Its roots are much older: the training schools of the samurai.

At work, I am also in a hierarchy. I follow the instructions of those above me and I have authority over those below me. A lot of jobs are like this, with varying degrees of pseudo-military overtones. And as many a veteran of National Service will tell you, the ethos of the military is great for building character. The qualities that are optional in common life - discipline, self-improvement, responsibility, courage, protecting the vulnerable - are essential when you become a warrior.

Slavery is not the only type of power exchange relationship upon which we can model ourselves and draw inspiration. There are indeed alternatives, and they are much more noble.

Can I say all of the above without offending all the good BDSM Masters and slaves out there? I hope so. We're not that different really, apart from the words and the fact that I never make my boys wear collars. I know that there are a great many of them who exemplify those very qualities I have listed, and, I am sure, do it much better than I do. And goodness knows I would value their friendship very greatly.

I'm like that. I have a fascination for languages and I love the many different ways you can describe the same thing in different ways. This isn't me saying I'm better, or cleverer, or trying to carve out some kinky moral high ground. This is just me doing it my way.

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Update: Trillium

The trillium flower is the symbol for modest beauty...

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